Gravity Bites

I've heard it said that working out is all about self-loathing. Once you look in the mirror and like what you see, the battle is pretty much lost. I don't know if that's true, but I do know that I recently decided that life is not hard enough, I should add to it physical pain.
And so I found myself at the gym, sweating like a cheating husband getting yelled at by Dr. Phil.

As it turns out, not only do I have no muscles that we're aware of at this time, but I also don't have any balance. Perhaps it's an inner ear thing, or maybe Mom just didn't name me Grace for a reason. Either way, balance is more useful than you think. For one thing, I nearly died of thirst trying to jog briskly on the elliptical machine. My water bottle was right there, but I was unable to take my hands off the bars they were clinging to for dear life and grab it, for fear that I would fall off. And lest you think this was an irrational fear, I almost ate carpet twice trying to get a drink.

Speaking of eating carpet, here would be a good time to mention the exercise ball. I've seen commercials for them, showing perfectly toned models doing very graceful exercises with an ease that suggests that this is actually fun. This is terribly misleading, because you will not look graceful or effortless, you will look like Space Whales Attack Manhattan. One particular exercise, which is designed to punish your butt for being bad and taking over your pants, requires you to lay across this giant exercise ball, balance with your hands, and wave your feet down to the floor and up in the air. Or you can do it the way I did by flailing ineffectively and planting your face in the floor. By the way, there is nothing on earth that smells quite like the floor of a work out room. Another exercise has you lay on your back with your calves resting on top of the ball while you thrust upwards. I don't know if you know this, but balls are freakin' ROUND, and gravity is vengeful.

The good news is, I am getting better at the exercise ball. I can now manage to do upwards of three booty thrusts before I fall off. I am also less sore now than when I started. I can work out, and still manage to raise my aching arms up far enough to wash my hair. Which everyone appreciates, I'm sure.

So if you are just starting out on your own exercise routine, be encouraged and don't give up! Just remember that deep down, you really hate yourself!