Laughter is the best medicine (unless you need antibiotics)

My friend Becky lent me a book called The Snark Handbook. As you might imagine, I enjoyed it thoroughly! For your reading enjoyment, I present to you my favorites from the book:

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I
was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No
good in an bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
~Groucho Marx

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is
a woman giving birth to a child. She must be
found and stopped.
~Sam Levenson

There is no I in team. But there are four in platitude
quoting idiot.
~Unknown

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
~William Safire

I don't like people who take drugs.
Customs mem for example.
~Mick Miller

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not,
we would have people standing in the corners of our living rooms.
~Alan Corenk

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably
easier to write with.
~Marty Feldman

She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the
powerful breaststroke of a channel swimmer, made her
confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.
~W. Somerset Maugham

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.
It should be thrown with great force.
~Dorothy Parker

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill a
Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to
kill mockingbirds! Sure, it taught me not to judge a man by
the color of his skin...but what good does that do me?
~Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Skiing, n. The art of catching cold and going broke
while rapidly heading nowhere at great personal risk.
~Unknown

I say to the gun owner who owns an AK-47, if it
takes a hundred rounds to bring down a deer,
maybe hunting isn't your sport.
~Ellen Degeneres

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
~Unknown

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice
letter saying I approved of it.
~Mark Twain