Eschewing the Fatitude
On Diet Plan:
Perhaps you have noticed, if you have seen any recent photos of myself, that I am looking unusually thin and foxy these days. People have been asking me how I do it, so here I will share with you my fool-proof diet plan, guaranteed to shed the excess poundage you may be currently toting about.
Step 1:
Obviously the first phase of any diet plan is to change the way you eat. Fiber is your friend, people. Eat beans at least twice a day, sometimes three (beans and rice - breakfast of champions!). Mangos are delicious; eat them. Cut out almost all red meat because it‘s too tough to chew anyhow. The good news is that you can have as much salt, sugary drinks and hard candy as you want, provided that it isn’t chocolate, which I am told is somehow more fattening than say, soda. Sure.
Step 2:
I am beginning to believe that part of what makes Americans so prone to fatitude is convenience. Things are just easier in the States and take so much less energy. So start doing things the hard way! Beat all your laundry against a rock! Pour copious amounts of dirt on your floor, then sweep and mop every day! There is no need to start running or pay for a gym membership or any of this foolishness.
Also, I recommend filling up a cardboard box with 33 lbs of stuff and carrying it around the block. Repeat 16-30 times every day for a week, do this at least once per month.
Step 3:
Spend at least 8 hours a day sweating like a pig. In fact, it’s best if you turn off your air conditioning all summer. Don’t forget to drink a lot of lukewarm water and grape flavored Gatorade (’cause lets face it, the purple has the power!).
Step 4:
Finally, to really kick start your weight loss, I highly recommend becoming terribly and uncomfortably ill and not eating much of anything for three weeks. If you can’t think how to arrange that, the above three steps will probably work fine on their own. But who really wants to chance it?
On This Big Shiny Rock:
Eli is a romantic at heart; he goes in for the grand gesture. I, on the other hand, try really hard to like surprises because I feel that I should. But I just…don’t. Life is already filled with so much uncertainty, and I so rarely have a good grasp of what’s going on anyhow, so I really don’t like to inflict any more on my person just for the fun of it. Eli knows this about me. So when he asked me to marry him, it wasn’t some huge public ado, it was simple and sweet and private. I think it said more about the way he loves me than any grand, sweeping, romantic gesture ever could.
With bright shiny eyes, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. Was I ever so loved as in that moment?
Perhaps you have noticed, if you have seen any recent photos of myself, that I am looking unusually thin and foxy these days. People have been asking me how I do it, so here I will share with you my fool-proof diet plan, guaranteed to shed the excess poundage you may be currently toting about.
Step 1:
Obviously the first phase of any diet plan is to change the way you eat. Fiber is your friend, people. Eat beans at least twice a day, sometimes three (beans and rice - breakfast of champions!). Mangos are delicious; eat them. Cut out almost all red meat because it‘s too tough to chew anyhow. The good news is that you can have as much salt, sugary drinks and hard candy as you want, provided that it isn’t chocolate, which I am told is somehow more fattening than say, soda. Sure.
Step 2:
I am beginning to believe that part of what makes Americans so prone to fatitude is convenience. Things are just easier in the States and take so much less energy. So start doing things the hard way! Beat all your laundry against a rock! Pour copious amounts of dirt on your floor, then sweep and mop every day! There is no need to start running or pay for a gym membership or any of this foolishness.
Also, I recommend filling up a cardboard box with 33 lbs of stuff and carrying it around the block. Repeat 16-30 times every day for a week, do this at least once per month.
Step 3:
Spend at least 8 hours a day sweating like a pig. In fact, it’s best if you turn off your air conditioning all summer. Don’t forget to drink a lot of lukewarm water and grape flavored Gatorade (’cause lets face it, the purple has the power!).
Step 4:
Finally, to really kick start your weight loss, I highly recommend becoming terribly and uncomfortably ill and not eating much of anything for three weeks. If you can’t think how to arrange that, the above three steps will probably work fine on their own. But who really wants to chance it?
On This Big Shiny Rock:
Eli is a romantic at heart; he goes in for the grand gesture. I, on the other hand, try really hard to like surprises because I feel that I should. But I just…don’t. Life is already filled with so much uncertainty, and I so rarely have a good grasp of what’s going on anyhow, so I really don’t like to inflict any more on my person just for the fun of it. Eli knows this about me. So when he asked me to marry him, it wasn’t some huge public ado, it was simple and sweet and private. I think it said more about the way he loves me than any grand, sweeping, romantic gesture ever could.
With bright shiny eyes, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. Was I ever so loved as in that moment?
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1 comments:
Sweet and perfect. :)
Also, thanks for the weight loss plan. I'll get right on that.
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