Me and my 32 friends.

Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. (From The Devil's Dictionary)

As near as I can recall, before yesterday, the last time I went to a dentist was 5 years ago. Unless there's a hole in my memory that should be filled with a routine cleaning, I stopped going to the dentist after they badly screwed up my root canal, causing it to take 3 visits!!!! It might go without saying (but it won't) that I don't really care for the dentist. It's painful and unpleasant for both my face and my wallet.

But I had to go. I knew it was time when my sister asked me what kind of paper work I had had to fill out when I got here and I said, "Uh....I haven't been to the dentist since I've been here." So I called the local dentist office and made an appointment. And then proceeded, as anyone would, to panic. I had all sorts of crazy scenarios floating around in my brain, some of which ended with me dying in a horrible fryer accident at Wendy's (don't ask).
So many things in life seem large and horrible until you experience them. The dentist is one of those things in life that makes you realize that the hideousness you've been imagining is utterly....inadequate.

Somewhere between the cruel Amazon administering my flossing and the brutal plaque removal that threatened to pop out my two front teeth, I realized something: the dental health-care system needs a major overhaul. So I submit, for your approval, a New Kind of Dental Care.

The first part of this plan involves new innovations in dentistry. How long are we, the American public, going to put up with giant antiquated x-ray squares of doom?? Is it too much to ask, in this digital age, for film that actually fits in a human mouth?? Bite on this!

The second part of this plan involves an incentive program. Much like how auto insurance rewards safe drivers with discounts and possibly even cash back, the New Kind of Dental Care will reward it's members for good dental hygiene. Need your wisdom teeth out? Don't wait until they are abscessed and require major surgery! Get them "extracted" today and receive this free blender! Also under this part, dentist would be required to stop fishing around for problems that might require expensive procedures. This way, when you go to the dentist, and they ask you if you've been having any problems, and you know full well that every 100th bite or so causes pain to shoot up into your head, you will not reply "no."

Part three involves a common sense approach to dentist visits. If the dentist really doesn't have time to complete all procedures during the office visit, the office visit fee is waived for the next time you come in. Same thing for first time visits. No more wringing money out of the poor hapless sap in the dentist chair! Say it with me now, people!!

And the final part of this (apparently) four-pronged plan (it's a dinner fork!) is having the right to punch your dentist in the face every time he sticks his ice pick so far into your tooth it makes a popping sound coming out and informs you that you have a cavity. Well now I do!

Take a stand, my fellow Americans. Call your congressman and tell him to support this plan! And if he refuses, threaten to call and make him a dentist appointment.