You are a unique snowflake, just like everybody else!

I am a lone introvert in a sea of extroverts. As you might imagine, it can be a bit hard on me to be so intrinsically different from everyone around me. I don't seem to fit in the prescribed roles of the rhythms surrounding.

No one sees me.

And in my inability to either re-create myself in the acceptable mold or to find my unmolded self acceptable, I've formed somewhat of a martyr complex.

"Put me to suffering," says John Wesley. "I want to know Christ...and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings," says Paul to the Philippian church. I have pressed on to know suffering, looking for a sword to fall on. I have carried these teachings.

And while I won't say that these two illustrious men were completely wrong, I certainly was. The Baal Shem Tov argued that the true service of God is expressed, not through suffering, but through joy.

What?! Joy?

Suffering is a temporary condition, not a place to live. Joy, on the other hand, arrives each morning. I carry sorrow, but joy carries me. Nehemiah said the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Ok. Out with the martyrdom, in with the joy. I still don't fit in...

...which leads me, of all places, into the Wilderness, to the Book of Numbers. The Hebrew verb so blandly translated as "tally" or "count" has many meanings. In Genesis, this same word is translated "remember." It can also mean "to give purpose to".

Meanwhile, "take a Census" is more accurately translated "lift up the head." So Numbers actually starts out with God telling Moses to lift up the heads of the people and remember/count/give purpose to each.

In this lifting, it becomes clear that each person is counted as a part of the nation, as a part of their tribe or clan, as a part of their family, and also as an individual. I am myself, but I am also part. I am my clan, but I am also unique.

I can be different from everyone but still be part of my community because love transcends personality. Instead of isolating me, my unique identity allows me to serve my given purpose.

With joy.

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Finally, a Decision

(Just as a side note, I find it hilarious that this post will be forever atop a posting about an asshat. Somehow, that just about says everything you need to know about me...)

Isaiah 58.

These past several weeks, I have been struggling with a rather major life decision. I found out (when I got my tuition bill!) that my scholarship had expired. I needed to choose between somehow, someway scrounging up the money to pay for school until I could apply for more scholarships and aid next semester, or leaving school early to pursue other opportunities. I can’t tell what is worse: trying to choose the lesser of two wrongs, or the greater of two rights. In this instance, I was choosing between two great things. I want to finish school and I also want to follow my calling.

I kept waiting for a sign.

But I got nothing. And so, in the absence of a clear and unmistakable Sign from the Lord, I made the decision that most aligned with my own core values. Last night, I formally withdrew from this semester and I will be forging ahead with a life spent in emergency relief mission work.

And then the sign came.

You see, the morning after I irrevocably made my decision, Haiti collapsed. And I knew I had made the right choice. I so badly want to be there, digging through the rubble, handing out soup and blankets and hope.

The Jews have a saying: Takun Olam – Repair the Earth. For me, that looks like feeding people who cannot feed themselves. It looks like getting out of this soft, stupid suburban materialism and spending my life on behalf of my brothers who have nothing. I see a world in which one child dies every 15 seconds because they do not have access to clean water. It is my Christian and human duty to not only find this unacceptable, but to put feet to faith and stop it from happening.

School can wait.

This is what I was born to do.

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